When I created this website and blog, I wanted it to be a tool to be used in order to better communicate our work, ministry and lives. I also told myself that I’d never blog or update things because I felt the “pressure” to do so for others. Over many years, and particularly when we lived in Poland three years ago, I recognized that I place faulty expectations on myself that I think others want from me. I feel I’ve come a long ways in fighting it. When you are supported by a team of people, you have a responsibility to communicate with them, but I can easily allow these sneaky thoughts into my head that all of a sudden says I’m not doing enough…which quickly escalates into “I’m not enough.”
Having said that, I do like to write or blog. The times that I’ve blogged on our website, I know it’s because I’ve either wanted or “needed” to do so. I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. Some seasons of life are more steady than others, but writing has always been a way for me to connect with God and bring a sense of normalcy to my life. I want God to use my thoughts and life as a way to communicate His transcending ability to reach us right where we are at in life.
So, here I am…blogging in order to show how God is reaching me right where I am at.
I had to take two sick days in order to “regroup”. Thankfully, I am able to function without streams of tears running down my face today. Recognizing limits, well, for me, I honestly never thought I would have a breaking point. BUT, I did and it was incredibly scary in the moment it was happening. On Tuesday, I nearly passed out while driving to work during morning rush hour on the turnpike. By the grace of God, I was able to pull off to the shoulder. I knew “something” was wrong with me. Blacking out while sitting upright and relaxed listening to music just isn’t “normal”.
Apparently I’ve reached my breaking point and am maxed in the stress department. My body reacted to it and that’s how it manifested itself. For the remainder of the day, I was in a heavy brain fog; unable to concentrate with a headache that I couldn’t shake.
When I finally got in to see my doctor that day, I was a little scared and nervous. I felt like I knew what the diagnosis would be…. the signs were all there, but admitting it and having it “diagnosed” was one thing. Situations at my school that were completely out of my control had been piling on for over two weeks and this multi-tasker was starting to “drop” the ball. I was forgetting to do things; I couldn’t “fix” things fast enough (according to nobody but me, of course). I’m a planner… I plan. I don’t mess up. So, there were signs, but I’ve realized I actually have this sick mentality of feeling pretty darn proud of myself for being able to “do” all I do and “juggle” it well. So when Tuesday happened, I discovered I have a limit.
My mind, body and soul are exhausted. Two things scare me at this moment:
- Could this physical manifestation happen again as quickly as it did…but have worse effects such as my family being with me or hitting another car? and
- “How” do I make the needed changes in my life to NOT have something like this happen again, because now I know it actually could. How do I know when I’ve reached my limit??
I have the most wonderful people in my life willing to help…. but the question of the day is “how”? To be perfectly honest, I’m so exhausted from “thinking” and making decisions about things, that I can’t think about the “how”. I do know the best decision was to take the rest of the days off from school to “rest” and in time, I’ll figure it out.
I recognize that sometimes a person’s strongest attributes can be their worst enemy.
I recognize that having a nervous breakdown doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real. (ok, I have to work on that one still…)
I recognize that your body will eventually shut you off if you don’t listen to it.
I recognize that I have a multitude of layers in my life right now that demand much detail and attention to it… sometimes they overlap while others are succinctly different.
I recognize that I will make some people mad, angry and disappointed when I don’t give the same level of productivity I’ve been giving.
I recognize that God has surrounded me with people who will love me the same irregardless of my level of output; in fact, I need to lean on them even though I hate the very thought doing so and thus feeling “weak”.
I recognize I have a limit and God is here to be my Refuge.
So, thank you, God, for protecting me and those around me and finding my rest in you. I guess we do all have limits!